“How do you stay positive even when it feels like your world is falling apart?”.
That was the last line in an email I received last month.
The writer of the email? A woman I worked with in my School of Champions.
She’s going through a divorce and finding things pretty tough at the moment (she gave me her permission to share this).
I get a lot of emails like this one.
Usually, I’ll link people to some of the resources I have for getting through hard times, but this time I shared something different.
It’s a cool theory, developed by a guy called Martin Seligman, called the “Three P’s”.
Seligman believes these three things have a massive impact on how we recover from hard times.
Now, I’m not the psychologist, so I’ll let Seligman’s words explain what they are:
The Three P’s
(1) Personalization—the belief that we are at fault;
(2) Pervasiveness—the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life; and
(3) Permanence—the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever.
In my words now:
If you personalise a problem, believe it will impact all areas of your life, and believe it will always be a problem – your recovery will be stunted.
I wasn’t familiar with this idea when I was recovering from the fire, but looking back on it, the Three P’s played a big role in how I recovered then AND they continue to play a big role in how I get through tough times today.
For e.g.
Personalisation: I remind myself that not everything that happens to me happens because of me. It’s not always about me!
Pervasiveness: not all aspects of my life are horrible. So after my accident, I reminded myself of everything I had to be grateful for.
Permanence: adding the word ‘yet’ to my vocabulary helped me immensely. So instead of “I can’t do it”, I said “I can’t do it yet”. I also remove words like “never” and “always” – another sign of permanence. Try “sometimes”, “lately” etc.
And for my lovely friend going through a divorce? She wrote to me again this week and said the three P’s are really helping her.
She said she’s reminding herself that she’s not responsible for every part of her marriage breakdown, she’s practising more gratitude, and she’s looking to the future knowing that she won’t always feel this way.
If you’re going through a hard time – whether that’s a stressful period of work, grief, loss, sickness or trauma – have a think about those three P’s and how they might be playing a role in how you overcome it.
And remember – if you’re going through a hard time, it’s OK to ask for help! My psychologist was instrumental in my recovery process.
OK, I want to hear from you.
Can you recognise the Three P’s playing out in your life? If so, what are some ways you can beat them?
Let me know over in the comments below.
Turia x
PS – Also, like I said above: if you’re having a hard time or maybe feeling anxious, depressed or like you just need some support, I would strongly suggest you seek the support of a psychologist, counsellor or other mental health professional. My psychologist was instrumental in my recovery process and it’s OK to ask for help! Take a look at some of these resources here.
Dear Turia!
Wow. That makes so much sense. And is so true. I have been suffering from depression for the most part of my life and the last few years have been particuly tough. Reading your blog, I just relate a lot. It’s all my fault, i have nothing to go on for and this will last forever! Taking a step back after reading your letter I now can see this pattern more clearly. I am going to start a gratitude journal to help me see past my narrowed vision. Let’s see where that takes me. Thank you for sharing your journey.
I broke my back in a car accident when I was 17 -I recovered a lot faster than expected due to my age but also due to my mental attitude. I spent 3 weeks in a Spinal Unit (opposed to 6 weeks) and 4 months on my back in bed (opposed to 9 months). I had this Poster (Alcoholics Annonymous Prayer) which I had someone hang in the hospital –
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
,Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.
There was always someone worse off than me = especially in the spinal unit ( I walked out of there) so I focused on my blessings and was so grateful. I had amazing friends and family who supported me in the months I was bed bound.
I really LOVE this. There’s so many quotes and positive affirmations out there, that sound great, but are difficult to absorb fully when you’re going through any trauma or experiencing dark thoughts.
The 3 P’s literally resonate with anyone suffering anxiety as it articulates how thoughts are naturally catastrophized during that time, and then turns it on its head with a correct, realistic perspective. That it itself is very reassuring.
I love the practical nature of it, and the reminder that these thoughts are not permanent. We don’t have to make it so.
Hi Turia, Thanks for your reminder about Seligman’s three P’s. Can I add another ‘P’ that’s kinda related? It’s the PROCESS word. 🙂 It’s about re-framing a negative situation and nipping those negative thoughts in the bud. Rather than saying (for example) “I’m useless at this because I don’t know enough”, try a circuit breaker that goes something like this: “I’m in the process of learning how to do XYZ”. I’ve been using this phrase a lot lately (not out loud – just quietly to myself!) and it’s beginning to work. With love xx
Bless you Turia, you always give seriously good advice. Thankyou for reaching out helping me and others xx
Hi Turia
As all your blog posts do this one touched both myself and my husband. MY darling husband has a rare adrenal tumour that is inoperable and Von Hippel Disease which manifests secondary cancers 6years ago he had to cease work no longer able to handle the stress of his engineering job, he had a triple bypass 6months after stopping work caused by the constant stress of the adrenal tumour a year and a half later he got sicker and sicker with debilitating migraines spending nearly a year in a darkened room and they finally found a brain tumour that is aggressive and will come back.
we are told by the professor of endrcronology that he my husband will continue to manifest secondary cancers and eventually they will kill him almost a year to the day he came home from brain surgery My darling has been diagnosed with malignant bowel cancer and we are still finding out when surgery will go ahead will there be chemotherapy or radiation etc etc, hopefully next week answers will unfold.
We have learnt to cope because we do reach out to the professionals, we do not let cancer and stress or fear rule our lives we live in peace and harmony continuing to love and nurture each other as we have always done, and when the shitty reality swamps us no pun intended we get the help to look after our mental health as well. I am an artist and I have faith and I say my faith keeps me strong and my art keeps me sane. We live in gratitude and are grateful for every second we are blessed with so we agree gratitude for the good things in your life are what we focus on also, and some days while we focus on what we are grateful for I can almost forget that my husband has 4active cancers in his boy the adrenal, a spot on his spine, the remains of a brain tumour that is stage 2aggresive and will come back and malignant bowel cancer. We thought about the 3Ps and we realise with great counselling we don’t own it, cancer doesn’t define my husband he rises above it and says No, I will beat it he has a positive attitude And even though the experts say he will have numerous cancers till one kills him we plan for days when we’re old and in our 70,80,90,s laughter is the best medicine so we look for and create joy in our days If stress feeds cancer I will starve the bastard, no toxic negative energy is allowed near us. We’ve been at rock bottom financially, emotionally, and physically, yeah life has dealt us some crap, but we do not let it define us. There is one thing that cancer can’t take away from us and that is our deep love for each other..
Yeah attitude and gratitude are key ? to fighting and staying positive. Every silent tear icy I say is releasing fears that I don’t need, so I can be filled with love and peace ✌️. God bless you Turia xxx
Hi Turia! I love this, such a simple tool but it adds a lot of perspective. The ‘yet’ is also used by Carol Dweck when explaining the difference between a fixed and a growth, learning mindset. If you haven’t heard of her, her “The Power of Yet” video on YouTube is a must watch.
As for me–
1) Personalization—the belief that we are at fault; I’ve read a ton of books on healing form cancer naturally and as much as it is empowering to know that we can affect our bodies with our thoughts, sometimes it can weigh heavy on you to think you may be perpetuating your own disease. Trying to detach from it by not taking it personally, and still live my life the best that I can is my biggest goal.
(2) Pervasiveness—the belief that an event will affect all areas of our life; it’s easy to let it deep through all layers of your being and your life. Every decision you make is suddenly about healing from cancer, defeating cancer, not worsening the cancer… One of my strategies is never calling it “my” cancer, as it doesn’t belong to me and I most certainly don’t want to keep it, let alone embrace it or identify myself with it.
(3) Permanence—the belief that the aftershocks of the event will last forever. My journey since the diagnosis has been one of much growth, I’ve learned more about life and myself on the past 18 months than I have all my life, for sure. The other day, though, my husband asked me: do you think you’re equating cancer with your growth? Are you giving it all the credit? Subconsciously, do you think you could be wanting to hold on to it because, without it, you weren’t as aware of yourself or mindful of yourself? It sure got me thinking.
fx
It is amazing when you get a message that is eerily similar to your own life or way of thinking. Only a week ago my wife announced she wanted to separate. A shock to me as I didn’t see it coming at all!
Anyway, I see the title of your message in my inbox and can relate to the contents. Life is a rollercoaster of emotions and experiences, and I recognise I’m not entirely responsible for this separation, I have a lot of things to be grateful for and that my future will still be great.
Thanks for taking the time to send out a positive message to us all when times are tough!
I really needed this right now. I am currently going through some serious health issues and it’s really gotten me down. I was running around 20 miles a week and strength training to now being mostly in bed. I’ve tried to remain positive but it is so hard. I would say that I have been through worse and I will get through this too (personalization). What I am going through is temporary and there is an end in sight. I need to embrace what I am still able to do currently (pervasiveness). I will continue to believe and trust in my Lord for He alone is my strength (permanence).
Very true, I just did a series of blogs explaining from a psychological point of view this process works!’ It certainly makes a difference knowing that when put into practice it can make a difference.
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