WARNING: Reading this blog may cause nausea and dizziness. It contains flowery, overly descriptive sentences about love and motherhood.
When people ask me to describe what it’s like being a parent, my first thought is usually “Indescribable”.
But that’s a cop-out, isn’t it?! ?
So, today, my first Mother’s Day, I’m going to attempt to describe this new world I’m living in.
The thing is, the way I feel about being a Mum changes all the time, depending on what kind of day I’m having with my son.
It’s contextual. As in:
When I’m breastfeeding, it’s primal. It’s a weird kind of nice to be needed so…. desperately. I swear I can feel myself literally falling towards him with love (thank you oxytocin!).
When he screams at 3 am, I’m irritable (well, I was, until I tried this trick).
When he does something for the first time, I feel like I’m gonna burst with pride (even though the rational part of me knows that most of the 350,000 kids born each day reach these same milestones).
When he’s sick, I’m panicked, anxious.
When I’m sick, I wish he had a volume control.
When he’s sleeping, I feel gratified.
When he smiles, I feel like I have a purpose.
(I warned you, didn’t I?! ?)
When I tell other parents how much I worry about him (Is he too hot? Is he too cold? Is he hungry??!!) they laugh and tell me to get used to it! At night I find myself checking to see if he’s still breathing (my girlfriends have reassured me that I haven’t lost my sanity, and they too did exactly the same thing).
Being Hakavai’s Mum is intoxicating, and scary and incredible.
And underpinning all of it is the most raw and visceral feeling – and that’s the part that’s hard to describe. It’s a kind of love I simply couldn’t have imagined before I had him.
I love his little moro reflex (a vestige from our evolutionary past).
I love his squawks. They sound exactly like a pterodactyl (or how I imagine a pterodactyl would sound), although when he’s really worked up he sounds just like a baby. Funny that!
I love his masses of black hair (admittedly it has thinned somewhat).
His ski jump nose (mine). His ears (Michael’s).
The way his eyes get all doughy and dopey when he’s milk drunk.
I feel like it just can’t be healthy to love someone as much as I love Hak.
But guess what? I wouldn’t change a thing.
To all the strong Mum’s, witty Mum’s, patient Mum’s, to the Mum’s who really need a glass of wine and the Mum’s who are just about to lose it, to the frustrated Mum’s and the blissful Mum’s and everything in between – Happy Mother’s Day.
What a privilege it is to experience all of this.
Turia x
Love your letters!!
Hi Turia,
I love your writing and your wit (you are a very funny lady).
I met you briefly when I was with my daughter in Brisbane at a Breakfast Function. Martine was going to do the Interplast Kokoda Trip that you were about to do but had to forfeit that opportunity after having a car accident and whiplash issues.
I would say that over all the years of experiencing motivational speakers at functions you are whole package. You were hilarious and uplifting as well as serious and real! Apart from being a very beautiful woman you have tenacity and courage that I’m sure everyone wishes they possessed.
I know that I am just another person sending you a message, but from the bottom of my heart you are amazing. I don’t mean to sound wanky.. ?
Happy Mother’s Day!!?❤️
Brilliant description of motherhood!
Even though it is a Sunday, it is mother’s day and I have been up since 5am to get my son to a mountain bike race I wouldn’t trade it for anything.
Happy Mother’s Day!! You are simply amazing. You have put in to words the thoughts that I’ve never been able to get out. I’ve enjoyed getting to “know you” all the way from Colorado. As a Mom of twin 14 year old girls…the only bad thing about having children is how fast time goes by.
The feeling of always wanting/expecting and believing you would have a child – and then not – is indescribable
I still find that I’m shocked when I realise time has run out and I will never be a mother. It was not that I was unable, it was a matter of never finding anyone I would be confident in as a potential father …. I wanted to have a baby on my own, when I was around 35. I was working full time but was always living hand to mouth and never felt financially confident to proceed. I sat down with my parents (I have no siblings and my parents were very well off) and discussed my dream of having a child – I asked for their emotional support and their potential financial support (should I require it) to move ahead with what I felt was my only chance to fulfill my passionate desire.
They would not give either type of support to me ….. my mother thought having a child, on my own, would make me unappealing to any man that might come along and my dad thought the whole idea was stupid and that I should forget about all of it and just wait until I met the right person.
I was 40 when I married my husband – he had 6 year old twins and was willing for us to try to have our own child but, although I care for my husband, I saw the type of parent he was and I was sure we would end up killing each other, should we have a baby. His children were ridiculously spoiled and coddled. If he had treated a child of ours like that, there would have been a war. Those children have grown up to be selfish, dependant and totally without ambition or respect. I do not regret refusing to bear his child, but it was the end of the road for me.
Now that my mother is gone, Mother’s Day is a truly painful day. I am happy for my friends, that are all wonderful mums, but there is only sadness for me.
I hear descriptions of the love a mother has for her child and I feel empty. I’m not trying to whine, but it has been cathartic for me to write this down, as I have never described my feelings about this to anyone.
As far as family, I have one cousin in this country (Canada) and 3 in England. I’m not close to my stepchildren as their mother is not a big fan of anybody her ex-husband is married to, and the kids are only too happy to tell me the hateful things she says about me (I just want to mention that my husband was divorced when I met him … I did not do any home-wrecking)
Wow …. I had a lot to spill on this subject!!! Feeling this sadness does not stop me from being truly glad for those that have had this blessing in their lives, but it will always be the regret of my life that I did not follow through with my dream, regardless of anyone else’s opinions.
You & your partner are truly inspirational Turia. Thank you for sharing your take on life ??
???
I am 11 weeks away from our due date with our first, and up until now I have felt such excitement about the adventure to come! For some reason, it’s 4am and I’m awake, emotionally erratic (seriously, almost asleep one minute, awake and crying the next minute) and experiencing feelings of being a bit (or a lot) terrified of what’s to come! So reading this helps! It helps me to feel less like I’m completely nuts, and more like maybe my hormones are getting me ready for this motherhood thing! Thanks for posting!☺️