Hey champ,
To celebrate the anniversary of my memoir Unmasked, my publishers just released a brand new edition.
It’s a new edition because of our new, ummm, addition – aka, Hakavai! I’ve included some new chapters detailing life since Hak was born, so if you haven’t yet read Unmasked this is the version you should read!
In the lead up to release of this new edition, a few journalists have been in touch, keen to know the “secret” to mine and Michael’s relationship.
That’s nothing new. For years now, people have asked us questions like this, and made lots of comments about how we “make it work” too.
The majority of commenters have said to me, in one way or another, “You’re so lucky to have Michael”.
But I don’t necessarily agree.
Yes, Michael is definitively, and without a doubt, a pretty top bloke. He’s kind, humble, self-effacing, generous and loyal. He makes me a better person.
But luck … nah.
I don’t like how the idea of luck absolves you of any personal responsibility.
My philosophy on relationships is pretty simple. In order to be with the right person, YOU have to be the right person!
What I mean by that is, are you being the person you want to be with?
If you want a relationship that is full of outdoorsy adventures with someone who is mature and in touch with their emotions – are you mature, in touch with your emotions and taking part in outdoorsy adventures?
Now, let me be clear. This is not about changing who you are to become someone you’re not. It’s about being the person YOU want to be, and living the life YOU want to live.
It’s about letting go of this idea that when we find the right person, our lives will fall into place too.
When really it’s the other way around.
It’s your personal responsibility to live the life you want to live – not wait for someone to show you how. – Tweet it!
So, today, that’s the question I want to ask you.
Whether you’re looking for a partner, or married with quintuplets, ask yourself this:
“Am I being the person I want to be with?”
Be honest in your response.
After all, we all need a little self-evaluation from time to time. Use it to help you stretch and grow.
And let me know answer in the comments below!
Turia xx
PS If you’re keen to read the new edition of Unmasked, I’ve bundled up signed copies of it for you here.
I get this comment all the time. But now I’m chronically ill it really gets to me because I can’t be the person I want to be .
hi, good morning… your article sent to my email is what’s needed in this dispensation.. I am not there yet, that is being the right person for myself but I’m trusting the process of slow steady growth
I guess i can be the person i want but some barriers exist and i mean by this our customs and tradition, but i think if i was more free to express what i really am things would go better!
That was spot on Turia!! I always find it insulting when someone puts something I work at down to LUCK!! It’s a silly word. But you guys ARE awesome!! Xxxx
Hi, dear Turia 🙂 I think this was the most mind blowing email I read from you. I am definitely NOT the person I want to be with and I felt like I was in a slow motion explosion while reading it. Thank you and I very much appreciate your perspective. Now I have some work to do :))
I’m not the person I want to be with.Im a single mom with 2 kids one 6 years and one 4mths old.I feel limited in the things I want to do e.g taking my kids out for a swim or to the zoo due to finances.I have a lot to pay bills and bond and Shool fees .
I would like to go out and be adventurous e.g mountain climbing.Do the kids I like and dress the way I like .Its like I’m being tramped inside my body by the things I would love to do for me and my kids.I. I can even afford a simple hairstyle or eat the food I would like to eat.
Spot on Turia !
Turia darling, you must have been reading my mind.
I am postpartum, bordering on PND and my relationship has been going down the wrong path since bubba arrived. I only just, in the past two days realised what was going wrong. I’m not ME anymore! And since bub arrived I haven’t done anything that resembles the life I once had and still want so desperately but struggle to get to due to bub’s schedule. The anger and anxiety simmering…changing the person I am and our relationship too. Saying that, I went for my first run in 6 months today.
Thank you for this timely post!! A confirmation for me that I’m on the right track xx
Dear Turia,
I think that when people refer to “luck” they mean, that you had the opportunity to meet Michal.
Sometimes you can be the best version of your self but you just can’t find the opportunity (luck) to meet the one for you. You had that.
And now as you mentioned, you take responsibility to make it work .
You are so right! I met my Mr Right (and he still is now that we mid-May celebrate out 10th wedding anniversary!) only after I finally decided to be me and live happily with myself. Not expecting someone else to make me happy. Not trying to adjust to being who they wanted me to be. Not that you don’t have to adjust in a relationship. You do! But only for the right reasons and not in ways that make you abandon yourself.
Hi Turia! It is absolutely wonderful what you wrote. Those who believe something like relationships can depend on luck are ridiculous. All real relationships are based on personality! And you got a splendid one, by the way 😉
Hi Turia ! I want a relationship exactly as you described in your last mail – full of outdoorsy adventures with someone who is mature and in touch with their emotions. But I just realized I’m not that kind of person myself ! Even though I like adventures – I’m still waiting for the right person with who I’m going to have it ! ??♀️
Wonderful (and very true) words, thank you for it!! 🙂
Hi Turia,
This is the article I was meant to read right now as I have been struggling with self identity lately and realised that I rely too much on hubby to make the life I want and be the person I want to be (and be with!). Thanks for the reminder and the kick in the butt! Xx
Thank you so much for this awesome post, as always your perspective is enlightening, and inspiring!
‘ve read this email, thought about it for a few hours, and decided it is bullshit and very insulting.
I am living my best life.
I am chasing my goals- career, health, financial, spiritual.
I choose good relationships with friends, colleagues and family and assert myself to those who need it.
I have hobbies, interests, contribute to my community and am always expressing myself creatively.
I consume media, arts, sports and film to my interests.
I live my best life.
I have been on okcupid, tinder, bumble, rsvp, eharmony and lavalife on and off since 2003. Yep, that’s not a typo. 15 years. HUNDREDS of dates.
But according to Turia- I’m not trying hard enough.
If you weren’t lucky to meet Michael- if you earned him- then what was it you did?
Because I’m doing everything you said, and I haven’t been as lucky as you with significant relationships.
That email was crap. Absolute crap.
Don’t tell me I’m not trying.
Meeting someone special IS up to luck/chance/fate.
You can’t make people fall in love with you.
I’m definitely at my stage in life being the person I want to be but at this stage I’m there but still slowly working to get to where and who I want to be, as I’m still young so I’m still trying to find who I am and where I want life to take me but life is full of challenges and opportunities!! And also full of surprises xx
You can work hard at lots of things in life.
Career, fitness, hobbies.
Hell, I can spend 5 years growing my hair to reach my #hairgoals.
But I think meeting someone nice DOES have a strong element of luck, chance or fate.
Hi Turia,
I never comment on posts, so this is a first for me, I have thought about this post almost constantly from the moment i read it. So articulate.
Sometimes It’s difficult to maintain perspective when those around you express their opinions about your relationship status, it makes it hard not to question yourself when you feel perfectly happy until someone reminds you ‘you’re not getting any younger’ and asks ‘how long has it been now?’ Divorce and the break up of my family is the hardest thing I have ever been through (even harder than losing my parents) so I aim every day to be the best version of me & show my daughter how important it is to live a great life, regardless of relationship status. Its not the be all and end all, it shouldn’t define a person.
Its much more important to be you, resilient, kind and compassionate (also a keenly developed sense of humor doesn’t go astray!) and reflect on your contribution to the world. None of that is luck.
Thanks for inspiration
I think I’m a good person, but I am still working on a few goals. Kind of like a work in progress. With that being said, I still think I am the person I want to be with. The qualities I admire about myself are sincerity, kindness, fun, silly, and loving. Not a perfect person, but a person who tries to be good to others & herself. 🙂
Thanks Turia for abother insightful and honest approach. Really helped me put things in perspective. Cheers
Thanks so much for sending this email. I am not being the person I want to be with and this is the realisation I needed to make some changes. Thank you!
Dear Turia
First of all, thank you for your amazing words. I think it is true that no one else in this world but ourselves can be hold responsible for our happiness and self-acceptance. Nonetheless, I don’t like to hear the same old advice over and over again that we have to be happy with who we are in order to find a partner. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think this is the only point of your message, but I would like to say the following things because for someone like me the blog entry could be interpreted in a wrong way: I am 28 years old, I have been single for almost 10 years now and I think nothing should be wrong about that. It hasn’t been my personal decision to stay single – on the contrary – I still wish to find someone I can spend the rest of my life with. The fact that I am single shouldn’t mean that I am not self-confident enough or that anything else is wrong with me. I don’t believe that everyone that is in a relationship truly feels like they are the person they want to be with. Self-acceptance in general is important regardless of anyone’s relationship status. Maybe we should stop trying to explain why some people stay single, because it is ok to be a single like it is to be in a relationship.
I get this all the time. My husband has the patience of a saint, he cooks and cleans and is a great dad. I’m a bit flakey and probably need an assistant just to get through life, although I’m the primary breadwinner and I work hard.
People often say how lucky I am to have him. What a silly thing to say, I am his equal for bringing what I bring into the relationship, nobody knows what happens behind closed doors. We are a great team, and work so well together. Luck has nothing to do with my great relationship, he’s great because I’m great to him.